Writing Critque. Workshop

[Lyle]

Hello everyone, I'm making this thread to: point out errors in peoples writing and then help them fix these errors.

I don't claim to be a great writer, but after taking some classes I've managed to figure out a lot about my own style.

If you'd like some help or advice, just post here!
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Mike wanted me to read through is posts and I figured I'd just make a thread here since he's off somewhere.


The court emptied at Lu Bu's request, Kao Ba rose from his seat with haste, not wanting to be caught behind slower ministers on the stairs, when Lu Lingqi appeared in front of him.
----This sentence is a bit too long and winding; try breaking it into two.
The court emptied at Lu Bu's request and (your single comma there made it awkward, like you're moving too fast between thoughts) Kao Ba rose from his seat in anticipation.
Then maybe say, his face looked bleak, ie he wanted to escape.

He recoiled, not being able to utilize his peripherals beneath his raven-mask, he had not been aware of Lu Lingqi's presence. She threw him off guard. Women soldiers made Kao Ba tense, this woman soldier was Lu Bu's daughter. Mentally, Kao Ba rolled his eyes, he had to notify Pi Qua Quan of their escape plans and to prepare for the worst.
---The second sentence was a lot like the first, and then you followed it up with a tiny one, which are great, but you have to apply a sort of ryhthm to your writing to make it more balanced or parallel. I liked the last one though I will say, "Mentally, Kao Ba rolled his eyes, he had to," is kind of a simple way to express it. I would take out the word mentally and then try to write it like that again.

Kao Ba would be in even a worse position if he had refused Lu Ling Qi. Perhaps Lu Bu had sent her to intercept him... was Ba Zeng correct about Lu Bu's suspicions?

Nevertheless, appearances were the most important thing to keep composure in these times. Ba Zeng had taught Kao Ba -- body language was a key principle in empathy and mind reading. To show Lu Lingqi that he was pleased with her proposal, his eyes shown brightly with joy. A thought occurred to him to appear just a tad clumsy to convey the opinion that he was somewhat harmless. To accomplish this, Kao Ba gave a small whisper, 'Oh!' and seemed to just remember his mannerisms in time, and tilted his head to Lu Linqi -- though it was obvious she wouldn't care either way.

It then looked like as if he remembered something important he needed to take care of:

"Of course...! I just-" he turned around jumbling his words and seemed to be fiddling with something with urgency underneath his cloak, "I.. need to send a message." He suddenly turned again and extended his arm, from his hand a petite black raven launched itself with a caw, tied to his foot was a tiny piece of paper.
---The blocky paragraph was a little awkward still, I feel like it's a little odd that you were so Ba Zeng in your first post and now your honing down on Kao Ba, and it seems like you keep referring to Ba Zeng like a gimmick... zeng would think... zeng taught me... zeng wants... etc. I think your secretly showing you really care about lol.

The guards looked around, bewildered, wondering where the raven had been conjured from.
---Great sentence. but I'd put a bewildered and wondering, or maybe bewildered by the sudden appearance of the raven.

"Fly Fuxi..." Kao Ba said in a softer, more coherent voice.

Ba Zeng had requested that Kao Ba's messenger raven, Fuxi, had accompanied Kao Ba to the palace today. Kao Ba had asked why, but when Ba Zeng gave the response, he was interrupted by Pi Qua Quan -- who was intent on telling a story at the time. Fuxi was trained well, and was small enough to fit hidden on Kao Ba's person without being too obvious. Kao Ba's cloak, after all, was at least double what was required to keep his body hidden.
---You're slipping into the telling mode, again. We'll talk about this when you get on next.

Kao Ba turned again, embarrassed, "Sorry, personal issues... let us go then!" He motioned for Lu Lingqi to lead the way to the other room, where the alleged drinking party for soldiers was being held, and hoped 'personal issues' would lead Lu Lingqi to the conclusion that he did not want to talk about the contents of the note.
---No transition?
Kao Ba Kao Ba Kao Ba Kao Ba BA ZENG Bam! lol
"Noticing Kao Ba's disappearing figure with Lu Lingqui... Ba Zeng"

Pleased with Lu Bu's calmness and positive response to him, Ba Zeng took his time to sti down at the table in front of throne. He even took the liberty to pour himself some wine and drank a particularly elongated sip. In reality, Ba Zeng was plotting his next move. A game of words -- yet also a game of life and death. Lu Bu did not love and share the same bed as Ba Zeng as he did with Diao Chan. In this way, Ba Zeng was at a disadvantage. Still, it had seemed that Lu Bu had liked Ba Zeng's company, perhaps the trust he had earned during the their time together still had meaning.
---"He took his time, unsure of his next move, for it was most important."
and "company;/. perhaps"

Perhaps... it was the only advantage Diao Chan had yet to dismantle.

Ba Zeng laid the wine cup back down on the table and sighed. It was a tired sigh, meant to convince Lu Bu that Ba Zeng was exhausted, stressed, as if something of mentionable magnitude was bothering him. Ba Zeng had thought to himself carefully, Lu Bu was probably already aware that it was recommended to be suspicious of Ba Zeng from Diao Chan.
---",exhausted, stressed" a bit awkward here too, why two words? exhausted is a perfectly good word and the having two listed adjectives after eachother without an and is well, ambiguous.

Hmm... Ba Zeng thought to himself, maybe it was best to start with small talk:
---'Small Talk,' thought Zeng, before he opened his mouth.

Dialogue (straight)

"Thank you Fengxian," Ba Zeng chuckled when Lu Bu mentioned the dreadful Dong Zhou. "I've just been so stressed recently, we haven't had a chance to talk." Lu Bu had seemed comfortable enough to be informal with Ba Zeng, so Ba Zeng responded mutually relaxed.

"Please Fengxian, share some wine with me. It just occurred to me that we never toasted to your new empire." Ba Zeng took the initiative to pour another glass of wine and placed it in front of Lu Bu. Ba Zeng was carefully calculating every muscle movement in his body, trying to be as fluid and calm as possible. He had been completely genuine, why would Lu Bu deny some wine?
---That last sentence might have been too much, see if you can find a way to make us ask that question on our own. Also, try repositiong those sentences: like Zeng prepared the wine, then talked to bu about drinking it, and then thought quietly in his head.... etc

I like it, but you're still telling. It's gonna be hard to get out of that, and frankly I still do it too. It's hard to just show.

[Mikey]

Thanks Lyle. Anyone else feel free to comment. Do my next post Lyle! XD

[Lyle]

Later I will!

[Wei Guozhi]

Rper's in general have a bad habit of telling us everything step by step, as if reading a manual of some sort. Try and keep it a page turner, by adding the right amount of suspension and interest for the reader. it's really hard to ever be amazing. To RP properly you can't write like an author would write a book, simply because you're limited too much on what my return post will be.

I have only met 1 rper who can add the right balance of writing styles and effects efficiently in posting, and thats Shika. If you read the stories I write outside of an rp they're so different to the crap I produce in the rp. It's just how it goes MIKEYxD

Write a short story, and have Lyle evaluate that. It'd be far more productive than trying to improve your rp writing, which isn't the same as novel writing anyway. No one writes a story like how they rp....well - i Guess they could! but no fucker would buy it/read it. it's way too blocky.

[Lyle]

Well yeah, that's why I tried to make the writing site, so as to avoid the rping responses, per say. But it is difficult to blend the too, however, the fictional writing I'm getting into is different. Flash Fiction for instance, you could consider (through bending some rules) that an rp post is a very short piece of flash fiction. I think it works too. Steve I'm curious to what you thought of that one post I made (before others posted in the thread, etc) in Shou Chun. I think it is the best rping post I've ever written.

[Mikey]

Shikamaru? His posts were fun to read, and amusing.

I'm trying to find the blend that's right for my writing style. A lot of detail, but packed with emotion. In an rp, its quite hard since the replies are so stoic considering you are catering to what the man prior to you wrote.

[Lyle]

Exactly, the point is to be amusing. Shik did have a great talent at doing that-- he is simply a wonderful guy.

I doubt I'll have more time to review your other posts Mike but if you make a new one I'll check it out.

[Lyle]

Alright, Lu Wei:


Hoof by hoof, Hei Shi made its way casually down the into the city, its rider clad in a large black cloak that covered his armor from plain view, his short hair moving only so slightly with every sway of his steed. The black stallion let out a soft neigh, its Chinese rider leaning forward and patting the side of his head ever so slightly, a soft voice of reassurance escaping his lips as the horse calmed itself down. Hei Shi, or in English, Black Stone, had been the man's companion for more than a year now. They pretty much understood each other, and the rider knew he was uncomfortable in the new environment.

-Alright, the first thing I've noticed about your style of writing is that you're telling a bit too much. Fictional writing is based on showing; ie think of painting. Your easel is my mind, and you have limitations: you can only make a few strokes with the finest brush you have, and the colors that you will use must blend together, or even not blend but in a certain way that they all collectively work together.

-So that being said, your first paragraph was loaded with long, overdrawn bullet-points, rather than short and tight brush strokes. For instance:
Hoof by hoof, Hei Shi made its way casually down the into the city, its rider clad in a large black cloak that covered his armor from plain view, his short hair moving only so slightly with every sway of his steed.
Could easily be:
Clik Clak. Clik. Clak. Hei Shi's feet cascaded across the the empty city streets, alone but for a dark cloak upon its back. A few narrow wisps of hair that weren't tucked under rocked with the steeds feet, bringing the cloak to life.

-Do you see the difference there?
Where as you start off with a noun by noun in the first sentence, I started with a noise, and used repetition and periods to single this. Then Hei Shi is introduced to be the source of the noise, which I then used imagery to express the cliking and claking while also providing for a dark cloak on its back. Now, a reader would ask is that a person or what? Then bam, I throw in details about the hair and not being tucked in, which is a thing humans do, and then talk about the steed, and suddenly a picture is painted.

-I'll briefly touch on the rest of that initial paragraph:
The black stallion let out a soft neigh, its Chinese rider leaning forward and patting the side of his head ever so slightly, a soft voice of reassurance escaping his lips as the horse calmed itself down.
Again another lonnnnng sentence.
Cool as it was, Hei Shi began to neigh and (character name, don't use chinese rider, we obviously know your in china and riding a horse lol) leaned down to inspect his companion. "Woaaah girl/cliche, tight dialogue, like less than five words."
Hei Shi, or in English, Black Stone, had been the man's companion for more than a year now. They pretty much understood each other, and the rider knew he was uncomfortable in the new environment.
-First sentence actually works as a good transition between what I just wrote down, too, second could be tightened up:
They knew each other well very well. (you can end it their, you shouldn't have to tell us as a reader that the horse is uncomfortable, it shoulde pop into our minds on our own will).


He had just passed through the gates of the city, the young man glancing around as he tried to figure out where to head to first. Well, his curious destination being who he was, he figured he would be at the political headquarters. Lowering his head slightly in deep thought, he figured no other possibilities, then tapped Hei Shi once more as the steed continued its pace down the dirt path. Villagers walked past him, going around with their merry lives, with the occasional glances towards the rider, for there were actually little people in this country that cut their hair, instead of tying it up. And plus, his horse seemed too large to be just a traveler's steed.
He had just passed through the gates of the city, the young man glancing around as he tried to figure out where to head to first. Well, his curious destination being who he was, he figured he would be at the political headquarters.
-Maybe try: Passing through a pair of iron gates, Lu tried to make sense of the place. Then rattle off some details about why it should look like a political headquarters, but don't say the word political headquarters exactly unless you feel it incredibly unnecessary. Cause just say that out loud right, now. Political Headquarters. It kills literally any rhythm you could have: I jumped through the hole, swallowed down the pill and found myself in a barren room; Political Headquarters.
Even when sneaking it in at the end and providing a strong rhythm to the words, it freakin sucks! lol Avoid unnecessary words, there's always a better (or stronger) one!
-The rest of that paragraph is more of the same, though I felt you started actually getting some rhythm (keep using this word, its essentially what makes people want to keep reading. It makes it easier; like how lines flow and how words relate to each other. Cat bat rat. Bam Bam Bam. The dog sniffed and then drifted away with the smell of warm food. Short short lonng short lonnng short short short short. You kind of see it? It's a thing you really have to learn on your own.).

I think I've provided some actual emphasis to show you about how you might improve upon or even just touch on your own writing, so for the remainder of this I'm just going to brush through it. We can talk more after you read through this.
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It was obvious who he was (kind of filler). Not to mention the mysterious(mysterious is a word too over used no?) aura he emitted due to the cover of his black cloak(from his clothes, is more simple and shorter). Although he received no trouble, nor did he pose much, the curious nature of the peace-loving villagers could not help but glance and suspect him a bit(could not help but find suspect with this adjective traveler). It was only natural, after all, for such people to be uncomfortable with unfamiliar features in their surroundings. And(Even in spite of his demeanor) despite the facial expression on his face, it did not help make him look less threatening.

His dark brown eyes (His dark, evening eyes, just find a nice adjective there depending upon your characters feel; eyes are important and often one of the most over used things in rping, so when you do try to use them apply something we haven't read a thousand times over, or even written ) constantly glanced around (searched aimlessly), looking for any individual that struck him enough of being of significance, so that he may know the direction to the political quarters, and the rider may then be directed towards it. And after a few simple paces down the path, he caught sight of a man who stood by the road side, talking to a few other villagers. The man stood tall, emitting an aura(you like this word, I can tell lol, I try not to reuse words, but that's just me!) of importance and authority upon himself, as the villagers looked to him with admiration(a glimmer in their eyes; this is showing rather than telling us that they admire him because they admire him).

('Perfect'; a simple use of inner dialogue or thinking can often relay countless sentences of information)Seemed like the kind of guy that he was looking for. With a slight pull on Hei Shi's reigns(Pulling on Hei Shi's reigns; try not to fall back on adjs like slight, etc), the rider would redirect his steed towards the man in question, that soft warm smile still plastered upon the young man's face. And as soon as he was close enough, a tap was placed upon the black stallion once more, the otherwise discreet message easily interpreted by the creature as it stopped in its tracks, allowing its rider to come off(this sentence is very dry and long, the center part about discreet taps caused it I think). As soon as the rider touched the ground, the sound of metal clanging softly against metal broke his own silence, a clear indication of the man being armored.

He turned on the heels of his greaves, approaching (approached) the man (with his hopeful yet grim grin; sorry I'm just messin around now lol), once more portraying an eerie yet friendly image upon those around him, his smile definitely contrasting with the black cloak that concealed the rest of his body.

"Excuse me, sir, but may I inquire as to the whereabouts of Lord Liu Bei?"

Obviously, the man had never seen Liu Bei before.

[Lu Wei]

Haha, well, I certainly enjoyed the critique. Thanks a lot, Meng!

Yeah, I do realise that I tend to overwrite, and when my muse is especially down, lose a large part of my vocabulary. Imma work on that. Thanks for pointing it out.

And of course, thanks for your time. (Y)

[Lyle]

Hey no problem. If I can suggest anything it's to maybe just set yourself a limit like maybe twenty lines, including spaces, etc. Put say like, three paragraphs in there and write it. Keep it somewhat simple. Then go back and replace all of your adjectives with stronger ones, then maybe the verbs, then play with it while reading it out loud. You start off like that and then eventually it just comes naturally.

[Sun Yuan Ci]

Suck my dick Lyle who do you think you are offering advice?

[Lyle]

I'm thinking me!